Chapter 16 – Stomach Pains & Delayed Trains

We landed in Delhi and set about getting the metro to our hostel. The only problem was we were in the middle of rush hour, on a Friday evening, and we had our backpacks.

The first train from the airport to the city was ok, but then it became sheer madness. Trains were packed when they pulled into stations and people had to fight their way off whilst people were fighting their way on. We’d think a train was full, only for another surge of passengers to push themselves on. Not surprising in a city with a mind-boggling 25 million people.

With one man’s face squashed against my shoulder, we arrived at our stop. Using our backpacks as battering rams we wriggled ourselves off, already giving up on trying to apologise to the hundreds of people we’d bumped. I promise I’ll never complain about the Underground again.

At the station, we had our first photo request. A man asked if his wife and baby could take a picture with us. We accepted, because of the baby.

As time went on, Amy resorted to taking people’s phones as a way of preventing unwanted photographs. Not sure why more people have wanted photos with her than with me…

After struggling with Sri Lanka, we booked a G Adventures tour for some of our time in India. After meeting our group and surviving our first overnight train, we arrived in Bikaner.

My god it was hot. Not perfect camel-riding weather, but off we went into the semi-desert.

I’ve been on camels before, but only for short amounts of time. After a while on Stewy (I couldn’t pronounce his actual name), I started to get seriously uncomfortable. By the time we arrived at our camp, I could barely feel my legs. It hurt every time I sat down, for the next week.

However, it could have been worse. Lawrence (a member of our group) wasn’t feeling great, and I don’t think the motion of the camel helped. He eventually had to disembark and waddle the rest of the way to the camp toilet; which emptied straight into the sand.

The semi-desert was FREEZING at night, even after some Indian rum. The moon and the stars made the sleepless night more bearable. However, by the time we got back to Bikaner, we were looking forward to sleep.

“What time?!”

Giri, our leader, had an obsession with 5:45am. It felt like every morning we had to wake up at a time I’d still call night. Early trains took us to Jaiselmer and Jodhpur, where we explored two of the largest forts in India.

Our next stop was Udaipur. Tuk-tuk drivers were fighting over us when we got off the bus, and our driver looked very angry when he sat down. Connor, Lawrence and I were talking about how it was amazing we hadn’t seen an accident yet on the hectic roads. We had just finished praising Indian drivers when ours, still angry, decided to veer into a cyclist. Our driver stopped, not to check he was ok but to shout abuse at him. “Drunk” he murmured to us. We weren’t convinced.

We liked Udaipur immediately, mainly because the place we went for lunch offered a respite from curry and rice and bread and spice. Our tour included a trip to a local art centre. The manager wanted to show his talents so painted something on everyone’s fingernail. There were elephants and princesses, but mine was a scene straight from the pages of the karma sutra. Thankfully, insect repellent also works as nail varnish remover.

In Udaipur we also took part in a cooking class, and had our palms read. I was sceptical at first, but changed my mind when he correctly (although admittedly vaguely) guessed things about my past. He told me that I will change my career at 31, hopefully from accountant to professional cocktail taster. I was also informed that I’d be having two boys and a girl (not yet, calm down Mum), but he failed to mention anything about Brighton’s promotion chances this season. Or my imminent stomach problems…

After surviving Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Indonesia, and some of Mum’s cooking, I thought I’d be immune to ‘Delhi Belly’.

I wasn’t, and I spent the next day at a random village trying to sleep it off. The less we speak about it, the better.

Isobel had told me her friend Abby was in India but I dismissed it. After all, it’s a big country. I thought the odds of seeing her were like when you tell someone you’re from the UK, and they ask if you know their mate Tom. But unbelievably, at a cafe on the side of the road somewhere in Rajasthan, a little voice said:

“Ian?”

I was almost doubled-over in pain from my stomach, so wasn’t in the mood to be very sociable. Thankfully, Amy made enough small talk for the both of us, so I could mercifully just smile and nod. Abby, I promise I’ll be more talkative next time we meet!

After village life, we were thrust back into the fast lane in Jaipur. I’d developed a pretty good technique for crossing the road, something akin to that scene in Jurassic World where Chris Pratt tries to keep the velociraptors at bay.

It was the first day of Diwali, which meant everyone was shopping. I kept my purchases small, sticking to some suspiciously cheap saffron, which Lawrence assured me was ‘worth £50’ (it wasn’t) and a ticket to the latest Bollywood release.

The film, Shivaay, was in Hindi but relatively easy to follow. The main character impregnated a Bulgarian climber during an avalanche and was left to look after their kid alone. On a trip to find her mother, she was kidnapped and Shivaay had to spring into action to save her from some evil Russians. It DEFINITELY wasn’t anything like Taken. Not at all.

Strangely, I loved it. The audience infectiously cheered and hollered in all the right places. The highlight was Shivaay managing to avoid getting hit when a helicopter was shooting at him straight-on from around 10 yards. However, it was far far far too long. Like Lord Of The Rings Extended Editions long.

Talking about the film afterwards, Giri told us that Russians all looked like boiled eggs and potatoes. Apparently, there are loads in Goa and they all look the same. Boiled eggs, and potatoes.

From Bollywood, we made it to India’s most iconic attraction. Another early start saw us in front of the Taj Mahal before all the rest of the tourists arrived. It’s incredible.

The myth is that there was meant to be a Black Taj on the other side of the river. However, Shah Jahan’s son was annoyed as he was spending too much money, so sent him to prison. I wonder if I can do the same with Amy, if she keeps buying cashew butter.

Our overnight train from Agra to Varanasi was meant to leave at 22:40. We were warned that it was one of the ‘most delayed trains in India’ but still couldn’t quite believe it when it rocked up at around 3am.

I woke up at midday and was told there was a very long way to go. After 18 hours (!!!!) on the train, we arrived at our destination. But the train was so late, that it wasn’t even given a platform.

We had to climb down and cross the tracks, before jumping up onto the platform. This was particularly disgusting, as the toilets on Indian trains empty straight onto the tracks. Walking across in the dark was like playing minesweeper with your eyes closed; one of us was bound to hit a landmine. So, when Rosie stepped in a ‘puddle’ and said she felt something ‘wet’ on her foot, we refused to go near her until she’d showered. At least twice.

Varanasi is one of the most interesting places I’ve ever been to. I vaguely remember learning about it in RE lessons at school, but there was something mesmerising about the riverside.

It was also poignant that we were there at this time. We all lit a floating candle on the river and dedicated them to people in our lives who were sadly no longer there. Mine was for my Grandmother, who had passed away a few days before. I’m not sure if she’d ever heard of Varanasi, but I’m sure the image would have made her smile.

I thought about going home, but everyone told me to keep adventuring as it’s what she would have wanted. As well as looking after me all the time my stomach has hurt, Amy has been a rock.

Recently she’s been trying to feed me all the pizza as I’ve lost a little weight because of my India-related ‘troubles’. I knew something was wrong when Isaac commented on an Instagram photo saying he thinks he weighs more than me now. I’ve seen twigs with more muscle than him.

NEXT TIME: Yoga, the 5 hours we spent at the bank, and a late decision to run away from the rain and go to Goa.

Thanks for reading.

ID & AP

PS no Russians were offended during the writing of this post.

Chapter 15 – Coastlines & Dollar Signs

Our arrival into Colombo didn’t go as planned. We landed, but my bag didn’t. So I was already in a bad mood before we got into the taxi to our hostel.

Our driver was terrible. He would speed up in traffic, and brake when there was nothing around. He loved his horn too. I was amazed he had a license. However, after spending some time in Sri Lanka, I realised it’s just how everyone drives.

The bus drivers are probably the worst. It’s like they’ve all seen Harry Potter and think they’re the conductor on the Knight Bus. Somehow because everyone is awful it magically works and you feel safe. Chaos theory in action.

Initially, we hated Sri Lanka. It was busy, loud and full of tuk-tuk drivers trying to charge us foreign prices. We hoped it would be better once we escaped Colombo.

It wasn’t.

After a 6 hour train journey we arrived in Polonnaruwa, and were immediately surrounded by drivers wanting my credit card and my mother’s maiden name to take us to our guest house. We hoped it would be better once we escaped the less visited towns.

It was. A little.

We made it to Kandy and liked it right away. By now we were pros at ignoring the drivers and shop keepers, who saw dollar signs when we walked passed.

We were also already pros at getting the bus. They’re cheap, easy and you get tickets, so the conductors don’t rip you off too much. We used our new skills to journey to Sigiriyia for the day. This is the name of the fortress on top of a giant rock. After making Amy climb all the stairs in the heat, I had to try to convince her that it wasn’t just rubble and monkeys at the top.

You can imagine how it used to look, and we began to relax and actually enjoy ourselves. It helped that none of the drivers could get their tuk-tuks up the stairs, to offer us an overpriced lift back down.

We ventured into the hills. Once the fog had cleared, the scenery out the train windows was pretty.

I made Amy go on another walk… which she loved. We also went to visit a tea plantation, to see where our morning cuppa comes from.

By this point, we were getting a bit sick of curry for almost every meal. So when we found a good restaurant in Ella that served juices, omelettes and pasta, we happily went there three days in a row.

If we were feeling homesick, the food helped. So did the train journey to Ella. We waited in the rain while it was delayed for over an hour. Just like Southern Rail.

From here we began to see why people come to Sri Lanka. Once you get used to the fact that everyone is trying to sell you something, and that the food is average, you can begin to enjoy your surroundings.

We went on an elephant safari in Uda Walawe. Our guide was so good at spotting animals. Ok so it’s not that hard to spot a massive elephant, but he’d stop to show us a chameleon he’d seen from 20 yards away. He was pretty much touching it before I managed to see what he was pointing at. Crocodiles, jungle cats, buffalo and eagles were also (eventually) seen.

Sri Lanka is an island (true story), which means it has many beautiful beaches. Amy looked much more at home on a sunlounger than she did walking in the hills. However, I was really out of my comfort zone when some local fisherman roped me into helping them pull in their net.

It was hard work. I thought I’d be back playing Football Manager in a few minutes, but an hour later we were still pulling. Eventually the net came ashore, and with it a few sorry looking fish that were about to become someone’s lunch.

I didn’t really mind helping because I’m nice (most of the time), and in desperate need of exercise. But it annoyed me that they never really stopped to say thank you. One guy did vaguely offer for me to come to his house for some fish, but fearing I might get raped, I politely declined. And he had disappeared by the time all the pulling was done anyway.

I think this is the biggest disappointment I have with Sri Lanka. No one was that friendly, and the ones that were wanted you to come to their shop or get into their tuk-tuk. There were exceptions. A family we stayed with invited us in for pancakes and to check out their wedding photos; when I left my kindle a man posted it to us, free of charge; and the Sri Lankan family I know at home are probably 4 of the nicest people on the planet.

Let’s see how friendly India is.

ID & AP

Chapter 14 – White sands & Campervans

Our suspicions started when our taxi arrived at the address we had been given and instead of seeing a reliable rental company, we found a storage facility. Things went from bad to worse when an employee told us that the last two couples that had come to pick up the campervan, had downright refused to drive it off the premises.

Still not sure it could be that bad, we waited until it was driven round. It was a bit like the scene in The Inbetweeners when Simon gets the Fiat, except our campervan wasn’t yellow, it was sh*t.

Anyone that has been on a Tinder date will agree that sometimes things don’t look like the pictures, and our campervan didn’t look anything like it did online. I regret not taking photos for everyone’s amusement, but trust us when we say it was just sh*t.

Deciding we didn’t want to break down in the middle of the Outback, we made a couple of phone calls. This time our taxi arrived at a reliable rental company and we were on our way.

From Darwin, we drove to Katherine then Kununurra. Australia is a big country, and there is no one there. You could seriously drive for about 20 miles without seeing another car.  More than once our need for petrol, and a toilet, became desperate.

After a few days we made it to Broome and the beach. We copied the rest of the tourists and went for a camel ride at sunset.

Amy’s was called Kaboul and was genuinely famous. He was the first camel to cross all the way from the East Coast of Australia to Broome on the West Coast. Cool story.

From Broome to Exmouth we decided to take a shortcut. Well, we didn’t think it was a shortcut until we got there and realised the road our satnav was suggesting wasn’t paved. We tested the campervan out on the dirt road and it was pretty bumpy. After Googling an alternative route and seeing how far it was, we decided that a bumpy 40km was better than an extra 12 hours driving. Told you Australia is big.

Kirijini National Park

 

Exmouth was worth it. The beaches were stunning, but despite it being hot, the water was freezing. So, we took the easy way out and went on a glassbottom boat trip to see the turtles at the Ningaloo Reef. When the boat stopped, everyone jumped in the water to snorkel. We held the Go Pro underwater for a bit, then returned to our snacks. Seeing everyone shiver when they got back onboard was fun. However, karma decided to strike that night…

Just before bed, we left the camper to go to the toilet. Somehow, we accidentally locked all the doors with the keys and our phones inside.

After briefly panicking Amy cried “the window!” and after a boost she managed to wriggle in and open the door. Thankfully she’s tiny otherwise, it might have been a long night.

We stopped to see some dolphins at Monkey Mia, but between Exmouth and Perth there wasn’t much to break up the driving. We grew bored of all the music on Amy’s iPad and actually had to talk to each other at times.

Before Perth, we decided to stock up on food in Geraldton. Amy has been sneakily abusing the self service checkouts during her time in Australia by putting mushrooms through as onions etc. However, this time some evil women caught us claiming our avocados were tomatoes. We had to play if off as an honest mistake, before paying the full price for all our fruit and vegetables. Please don’t start thinking she’s a bad influence Mum.

After a day wine tasting, we were up at 4am and on the our way to the airport. Amy had been in Australia for almost a year. I know she loved it, but decided not to do her farm work so I could drag her around Sri Lanka and India instead. Lucky girl…

ID (& AP)

Chapter 13 – Mates in the States

We picked up our RV in Las Vegas and started our drive west across the desert towards San Francisco and the west coast. It was hot and Arnie (the RV) was struggling but after driving past wild horses, army drones and a massive shopping mall we made it to the outskirts of Yosemite national park.

Trying to secure a camping spot here is as competitive as trying to reserve a sun lounger in a Benidorm holiday resort. But after an early start and a scenic drive we bagged one and made our way into the park.

The day could not have been going better… Until Chris decided to crash into a wall.

In his defence he had only recently passed his driving test and hasn’t driven since. The RV was also massive. It was so wide that staying in your lane was a challenge.

The damage was minimal (well about $400) and Yosemite had a garage that quickly changed a tire for us and we began to explore.

Since I’ve been home people have asked me where my favourite place has been and Yosemite has been an easy answer. It’s stunning. Just look at it.

We also spotted no less than three bears while we were there, although none of them stole our picnic basket.

Next stop was the equally handsome Lake Tahoe where a very nice man helped us empty the waste from our RV. Not the most glamorous of jobs but thankfully our ‘only liquids’ rule made it marginally less disgusting.

I think his family found our inexperience endearing and later brought us some brownies they’d baked. That’s one thing we found about America, everyone is genuinely nice. At least in the states that aren’t voting for Trump.

From there we veered west to San Francisco and after escaping Alcatraz started our drive south.

We’d picked up two companions in San Fran and Hamish and Chris (and Liar’s Dice) helped pass the miles down to LA.

LA was a sh*thole. Can I say that?

I imagined Hollywood being glamorous and full of celebrities but it wasn’t. It was dirty and hot and the walk of fame is sh*t.

But we did have a fun night. Which is the city’s only redeeming quality. Although our taxi home decided to jump a red light and ended up getting sideswiped.

Thankfully everyone was ok. Liam took the brunt of it and did need a hospital visit for some minor repairs.

It still didn’t stop him giving the Uber driver 5 stars and paying $7 for the privilege.

By the time we arrived in Vegas we were all mended and excited. We reluctantly said goodbye to Arnie. He’d served us so well and felt like a friend, even though he drunk more than Liam and felt like he was beginning to fall apart.

Chris celebrated his birthday, and Liam and I celebrated surviving his driving. Vegas is Vegas. If you haven’t been, go.

From there we flew to New Orleans. As our taxi drove us towards our apartment we noticed more and more windows we passed were boarded up.

“Don’t walk around here” were our drivers’ parting words.

We didn’t help ourselves by Googling crime in the area and it meant the first night we slept with everything locked and the coffee table wedged against the front door.

We eventually left the apartment and enjoyed New Orleans. I’m happy I’ve been but I’m not sure I’d go back in a hurry.

Same goes for Miami. Although Universal Studios in Orlando is a different story. I could quite happily live there. Who could ever get bored of Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade?

And just like that it was over. The three of us boarded our flight back to London and after months of hostel living I had to spend a night in a room by myself.

But fear not friends, today I’m flying back to Australia so there’s still a few chapters to come.

If I get round to writing them.

ID

Chapter 12 – Upside Down in Queenstown

We were reunited in sunny Christchurch (Liam had gone home for two weddings in three days) and started getting to grips with cooking for ourselves again. After eating out all the time in Asia, we knew we had to be more frugal in New Zealand and set about ‘borrowing‘ herbs, spices and other ingredients from the hostel kitchen.

The next morning we jumped on the big green bus that would take us all around the country and up to Auckland. We were entertained by seals on the way up to the tip of the South Island, but to be brutally honest our new bus friends didn’t seem very sociable.

Almost all of them jumped on the ferry over to the North Island and left our bus to be taken over by a group that had seemingly been travelling together all their lives. This made us feel like the three new kids at school, before we started getting to know everyone after some onboard speed dating.

Small talk tends to slip into the same few questions while you’re travelling. Every so often someone will say they’re from somewhere you have a vague connection with and you’ll ask them if they went to university with your friend Jimmy – even though you know the chances are about as slim as being from Brighton and knowing Norman Cook.

So when three lads from Durham University said they knew Chris’ girlfriend Zoe, we were surprised but happy as it meant that even though they all played rugby, they’d been vouched for so couldn’t be that weird.

We bonded on fancy dress night when the three of us went as pandas and the three of them went as the three blind mice, and credit where it’s due they doggedly stayed in character all night.

Thus for the rest of our trip around New Zealand, Nathan, Olly and Sam (and Anna), and the three of us became inseparable. Apart from every time we tried to go into a bar and someone wouldn’t be allowed in.

Seriously the bouncers in New Zealand and the strictest I’ve seen. They’re like the Dementors from Azkabhan. They were particularly bad in Queenstown, the adventure capital of an adventurous country.

On the journey there I was debating with myself whether I was brave enough to consider a bungy jump. I was scared when I skydived, but that was relatively easy as the man strapped to me basically pushed me out the plane whether I was ready or not. This time I would have to jump myself and I wasn’t really sure I had the courage.

Sullenly cowering in the corner of the booking office, I was reminded of my role as the Cowardly Lion in our Year 6 production of The Wizard of Oz, again wishing that I only had the nerve.

However, Liam was determined to do it. As were Olly, Sam and Nathan. So when Matt’s broken rib stopped him jumping (sorry mate), I put my name down and stole his spot.

I have never instantly regretted something so much. After paying (no refunds, obviously) I was immediately racked with doubt as to whether or not I could jump from the 143m platform.

Thankfully, the five of us all jumped at similar times so we were all able to encourage each other. After Sam led by example, there was no way any of us weren’t jumping.

I was harnessed up. The straps were checked. I shimmied over to the platform, like a pirate walking the plank, and tried not to look down as I waited for the attendant to shout…

“3… 2… 1… BUNGY!”

Before I really realised what had happened I was bouncing back up, arms flapping wildly like a cartoon character trying to fly.

Despite feeling triumphant I was still too shaky on the third and fourth bounce to remove the pin by my feet that was keeping my body in the headfirst position. This meant that I was dragged 143m back up to the platform dangling upside down, which everyone, apart from me, found funny.

We spend the rest of our time in Queenstown with our feet on the ground. We went luging, which is like real-life Mario Kart but without the bananas, and we took on the 6 hour hike to the summit of Ben Lomond, accompanied by the Lord Of The Rings soundtrack.

Liam was right when he described New Zealand as ‘like Wales on steroids‘.

We eventually sailed over to the rainy North Island and, after an encounter in Wellington with the cast of Ice Age on Ice, we journeyed past Mt Doom and Lake Taupo to Rotorua. Here we had the chance to learn more about the Maori culture and even learn their famous war dance, the Haka.

The Haka looks quite intimidating when the Maori do it, but the dance slightly loses its fear factor when a gang of pale English tourists try it out.

When we were in Rotorua we also had the chance to go white water rafting. One of the rapids on the river had been christened ‘the half pipe‘ after skateboard legend Tony Hawk lost his swimming trunks there during his visit. Thankfully me and Chris left the boat still fully clothed.

Most of the old-world culture I’ve learnt about during my trip so far I’ve enjoyed hearing, but didn’t see the modern day relevance. Stories about lines in the rock at Uluru were cool but I didn’t see what I could take with me. The Maori people are different. There is something about them and their lives that makes you want to be kinder and more understanding. The Chief we met asked us what is the most important thing in the world today? His answer: it is people, it is people, it is people.

Given that we can’t go a day without another horrifying news headline, maybe the world needs to remember that.

ID

Chapter 11 – Monkey Trials & Cycling Miles

When we arrived in Bali we were reunited with some friends from home who were going to spend the next two weeks with us.

Grace’s first impression of the tropical landscape was that “it’s like going to the rainforest cafe but the real thing“. I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Grace was in the thick of the action the next day as well when we went to the famous monkey forest in Ubud. As she was taking a picture, one of the monkeys scampered up her leg and took her money right out of her pocket!

Thankfully the little primate was more interested in the plastic bag and gave the money back. Generous.

While also in Ubud the group decided they wanted to cycle 20km down from a local volcano. Despite being only the 3rd or 4th time I’ve ever been on a bicycle I strapped on my helmet, held the brakes as tightly as I could, and begun.

Thankfully I was alright, despite some bumpy roads and sections through the rice fields where I had to walk. I might have been a little behind everyone (understatement of the year) but I’m proud of my achievements after Isobel only taught me to cycle last summer.

The downhill course put me in good spirits for Gili T, where unfortunately everyone cycles everywhere.

I’m ok on straight, flat roads with no one around but cycling through town was stressful as I considered myself a danger to everyone else. It got even worse when one night there was a power cut on the island and we had to cycle home in the dark. But if I can cycle down a volcano and negotiate one of Bali’s busiest tourist destinations in the dark I’m ready for anything now right?

We were grateful to leave the island after a sweaty night with no aircon and one that saw me have to go on a murderous cockroach rampage after our 11(!) intruders. You’re welcome Isobel.

When we arrived in Seminyak we tried to take advantage of some of the ridiculous exchange rates on offer from some of the local currency exchanges. Thinking this was a good opportunity for arbitrage Liam and I tried to get some US dollars changed but this turned out to be even more stressful than the cycling.

All the currency exchanges turned out to be run my gangsters and con artists who would sneakily steal half of your cash back before giving it to you. Luckily Liam and I count money for a living so weren’t easy prey. We got turned away from a few for not falling for any tricks before settling for one of the more legit looking places.

Seminyak was also the birthplace of Aqua Pong, a game I invented (even though Chris is trying to take all the credit). Aqua Pong is just like Beer Pong except you act as the cups and stand in a swimming pool with your arms out like a basketball hoop. It’s surprisingly more entertaining than it sounds.

We took the game with us to Canggu where it really developed. It might never make ESPN but it resulted in some fun afternoons in the sun.

We also tried surfing while in Canggu. After having had a lesson or two in Australia I was made instructor and had to explain the theory to Seb, Liam and Chris. I also had to tell them not to watch me because even though I know the theory I’m a terrible surfer.

The town is a little crazy, and we declined the offer of a free tattoo after buying tacos at a local bar.

Unfortunately our time in Canggu was marred by witnessing the aftermath of a fatal scooter accident.

I know most of my blogs are lighthearted, and I was debating wether or not to include this, but if it encourages just one person in Bali to double-check the strap of their helmet, or walk instead of join the masses on scooters then I’ll be happy I did.

My thoughts are still with Elliot, his family and his best friend Connor. RIP.

ID

 

Chapter 10 – Haad Rin & Casino Win

After a slightly long journey we arrived at Koh Tao in time for breakfast. After exploring we found a scuba dive centre that looked perfect for Chris, Kelly and Vicky to start their PADI Open Water course.

Instead of playing Football Manager while they were diving I decided to do my Advanced Open Water, which would see me dive down to 30m and again get to dive at night.

My instructor was definitely eccentric. He insisted on playing Johnny Cash on the boat before dives and took two eggs down with him for our first dive.

Confused but excited we descended down to 30m where he got out an egg and cracked it on his watch. The pressure at that level causes the yolk to become like a ball you can throw to each other. After passing it around he put the yolk in his googles and danced around for a while. It was all a little strange but fun all the same.

On another dive he was trying to convince an eel to try and bite his finger, but it was the night dive I was most worried about. As there was only a small group of us I was buddied up with the instructor and it happened to be his birthday. All day he was reiterating his promise to dive naked, telling the girls on the boat that they were going to see a ‘big barracuda’. Thankfully he decided to keep his shorts on.

The night dive was actually one of my favourites so far. I also loved the journey to the dive site as getting your gear ready under the cover of darkness made it feel like you were all on some sort of spy mission.

After Koh Tao we made the short journey to Koh Phangan. The island is famous for being host to monthly 30,000 strong Full Moon parties on Haad Rin beach, and we had arrived just in time.

We’d heard that the nights leading up to Full Moon were better than the actual event and were impressed with the jungle party, which felt like a festival and even featured staff members from our hostel staff spinning fire poi.

Full Moon itself was as busy as we knew it would be and just as fun. We wandered back and forth along the beach depending on where we thought the best music was. One bar played Cotton Eye Joe, which was probably the low point.

Towards the end of the night we had to make sure we stepped over the sleeping bodies on the beach. Probably not the best place to rest if you were calling it a night and I hope everyone woke up with their wallets and shoes still intact. We sensibly decided our hostel beds were more comfortable and ventured back around sunrise.

Koh Phangan was definitely my favourite of the Thai islands. Sandy beaches, great nightlife and some pretty good food meant I preferred it to Koh Lanta and Koh Phi Phi.

Although none of the beaches were quite as impressive as Maya Bay, the beach from The Beach. Although sadly Leo was no where to be found.

That pretty much concluded our time in Thailand and shortly after we flew to Kuala Lumpur. Here is a picture of me in front of the Petronas Towers.

My new favourite bar is in Kuala Lumpur (thanks Tris). It’s called the Heli Lounge and the bar is literally on a helipad on the top of a building. There were signs warning that if anything had to make an emergency landing you had to be ready to run but the risk was worth it for the 360 degree views.

A short flight took us to Singapore where we had a fun day exploring the zoo, and the gardens by the bay. That evening we went to the bar in the Marina Bay Sands hotel to admire the views.

After the bar we went down to their casino. With only around S$10 each to gamble we were mainly there to take advantage of the free Coke machines but optimistically Liam, Chris and I sat down at the cheapest roulette wheel we could find. With a minimum bet of $2.50 our $10 only got us 4 chips each.

We had the table to ourselves and I decided to take the initiative and place the first bet. Putting one chip down I told the croupier that “it’s going to be number 2”.

With no other bets it was the only chip on his table as he released the little metallic ball into the spinning red and black wheel.

A few seconds later he looked at me and said “number 2” before sliding a rather large pile of chips in my direction.

“Told you so” was my cool response to Liam and Chris’ admiring gazes.

I wisely spent my winnings at the airport on our way to Bali. We have some friends coming to meet us and our group of 5 is going to swell to 14 for the next two weeks, so I’m sure the duty free vodka will be useful.

ID

Chapter 9 – New Recruits & Custom Suits

The long awaited reunion with my two tagalongs at Bangkok airport meant that after we survived a hair-raising taxi ride to the city we were sober for about 30 minutes.

I’d been to Bangkok before but only for 12 hours and hadn’t seen the madness of Khao San Road. Alas a sign that read “3 buckets for 400 baht”, which is about £8, meant that I wouldn’t remember much of it.

The next day we flew to Hanoi and walked into our hostel in the middle of a massive drinking game. The challenge was to perform the sexiest catwalk and as we were weaving through the crowds with our bags one guy took things to the next level and got completely naked to win the free drink. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

Jamie arrived the next night to much jubilation, drinking, and dancing on tables.

We put hangovers aside (one of the benefits of travelling with a doctor and being able to buy pretty much anything over the counter at pharmacies here) and explored. Hanoi is great and the food is incredible.

The city was also our gateway to Halong Bay. I’d wanted to visit since that Top Gear episode and we took the chance to stay for a couple of nights on one of the islands. This involved liver-damaging amounts of drinking, maybe even more so than Fraser Island, and that’s a big claim.

As a result, one of the four of us (not naming any names) missed the boat trip on the second day.

As we were boarding it became clear one of the guys on the trip had been drinking all night and not slept, so it wasn’t that much of a surprise when he passed out, although not before taking off his clothes and urinating off the side of the boat. When you’ve got to go you’ve got to go.

The mist meant visibility wasn’t great but that just made the appearance of the islands even more epic as they loomed out of the shadows.

We went kayaking through some caves and came across the biggest jellyfish I’ve seen.

Later on in the day we had the chance to go for a swim. I hadn’t taken my hoody off the whole time we’d been in Vietnam but when Pip, our tour guide, said the water was warm I believed her and jumped off the boat.

Pip lied.

It was the coldest I’ve ever been. I could feel the air leave my lungs as soon as I hit the water and genuinely believed I’d never see my testicles again.

After a brief visit to Hue, our next stop was Hoi An which immediately became one of my favourite places. It’s so pretty.

We hired some bicycles and cycled to the beach. I’m not the best on two wheels (understatement of the year) but after some practice in a car park we started making some progress. There was a small incident involving a maniacal motorcyclist and me going over the handlebars but I managed to dust myself off and try again.

The next day Liam and I went suit shopping. Hoi An is full of tailors and after shopping around we picked one we liked the best. Before haggling over the price we had a team meeting. It was like an episode of The Apprentice. Team Empire ended up securing two suits, three shirts and three ties for $290.

All too soon it was time to leave Hoi An. The journey to Da Lat brought stunning scenery and warmer weather.

My cycling education continued with a day on tandem bicycles, and then two nights at the craziest bar I’ve ever been to.

Sadly we had to say goodbye to Jamie in Ho Chi Minh City. But not before celebrating Liam’s birthday and visiting the Cu Chi tunnels used during the war.

Even though these have been widened for tourists they were still a tight squeeze.

On the way back to town our bus broke down. We all thought everyone was getting off to wait for a replacement but soon realised everyone had got out to push and bump start the bus back to life. Can’t imagine that happening in London.

The people in Vietnam are generally friendly and funny. And all the kids smile at you and say hello. Apart from the one that punched Liam in the Temple of Literature when we wouldn’t move out of his way.

The country is also full of terrible English. Places are named after cool sounding words so it wasn’t uncommon to find a “Boss Legend Hotel” or an “Impressive Cafe”. I also liked Liam’s new Aberconnbie & Fiche flip flops and the fake $100 bill we found with “In Goo We Trust” written on the back.

After a brief stop in Cambodia we’re now back in Bangkok and heading down to the islands tonight for some much needed R&R.

Oh and the 30,000-strong Full Moon Party.

ID

Chapter 8 – Outback & a Scorpion Attack

Today is my last in Australia. Thankfully I still have 12 hours to kill before my flight to Bangkok which means I have time to describe my latest adventure.

The last two weeks have involved rocks, new friends, camel rides, a very drunken Australia Day, a midnight scorpion attack, crocodiles, flies, and even more rocks.

Where to start…

I joined a tour from Adelaide all the way through the middle of Australia to Darwin. The trip would cover over 3,000km, more than four times the distance from Brighton to Edinburgh, but having just rediscovered the Harry Potter books the distance and driving wasn’t a hardship.

The majority of the group had travelled together from Melbourne but after passing Roland’s interview questions (involving Drake and Game of Thrones) I was immediately made to feel welcome.

The first highlight of our journey was an eventful Australia Day.

After staying the night on a farm in Beltana we woke early and went for a camel ride. The handsome guy below is called Benny and he likes carrots.  

 
After the surprisingly comfortable camel ride there was the ‘Australia Day Australian-themed‘ quiz in our decorated bus as we drove to a small town called William Creek.

The town is in the middle of nowhere and has a population of 5 people. Seriously. But thankfully it still has a bar. If that doesn’t sum up Australia then I don’t know what will.

The details of that night are a little hazy. But I remember buying a round of shots after losing a bet involving a dingo.

The 3 hour drive on dirt roads to Coober Pedy that followed was not a fun time. I almost had to ask Josh (our guide and quizmaster) to pull over a couple of times. Thankfully I wasn’t the only one who was suffering.

Coober Pedy is a mining town where most of the populous live underground. This is partly to hide from the searing heat, and party to protect their stash of opals.

On our tour of a local mine/house we were told that in older times people would come and steal opals in the night. This was known as ‘nightshifting‘, a term I’ve decided I really like.

The lawless town, being in the middle of the desert, lacked any adequate policing so these nightshifters often found themselves stuck down a hole with a stick of dynamite if they were caught.

We slept underground that night and then the next day made the long drive to Uluru (Ayres’ Rock).

 
We got excitedly when we thought we spotted the famous rock, but it turned out to be a smaller one known as ‘Fooluru‘, which I’ve also decided I really like.

Before long the real one loomed into view, even though we were still 60km away.  

 Uluru measures 10km around and 350m high. It’s hard to describe the scale but I think Mallory summed it up well when she said it ‘looks like a beached whale‘.

 We were all apprehensive about camping outside that night, but Josh reassured us that we were safe.

“No one has ever been bitten by anything here. You’ll all be fine”

There’s always a first time for everything…

I woke during the night to screams and a lot of commotion centred around Mallory and her swag.

“Something just bit me”

After a restless night, the sunrise revealed the whole story. Mallory was attacked by a scorpion and spent most of her night in the emergency room.

What were you saying Josh?

  

 The next afternoon we hastily put up tents so no one else would be attacked by anything. Apart from flies.

They were everywhere. We were warned before we got into the desert but I wasn’t convinced there would be that many. Thankfully we took Josh’s advice and bought fly nets. Best $2 you’ve even spent right Colleen?

There were so many that when we saw an Uluru snowglobe in a souvenir shop Mallory said the ornament should have black flies instead of white snow to be more authentic.

  
Post-scorpion there was little drama to report. After Alice Springs we drove almost solidly for two days to get to Darwin. The landscape changed from dry desert to wetlands as we passed the Tropic of Capricorn and it was nice to see greenery again.

After another hazy night out we spent the last couple of days of the trip in Kakadu and Litchfield national park. This involved crocodile spotting, didgeridoo playing and waterfall swimming.

  
And just like that it was time to say goodbye.

I’ve loved my time in Australia. I’ve done things that this time last year were unthinkable and met people that I know I’ll be friends with for a long time.

So far my travels have been everything I wanted and more. I’m excited for phase 2, and I’m sure the stories will be just as eventful.

ID

PS Colleen’s poem is better than anything I could ever write. Check it out here.

 

 

Chapter 7 – Driving Gods & Penguin Mobs

Adelaide was like a ghost town when Amy and I arrived. It was like we had stepped into a scene from 28 Days Later, just with less zombies.

The town was first set up so that the rich had somewhere to live away from all the convicts. We both really liked Adelaide, despite the lack of people; the zoo even had two hippos for Amy to perve on.

We left and started our Great Ocean Road trip on my birthday. Our first stop was the Blue Lake by Mt Gambia. It was VERY blue, but sadly you can’t swim in it as its the town’s water supply and everyone would definitely pee in it. 

   
 
26 is a scary age. Amy hasn’t helped by calling me Dad Jeans every chance she gets. Will have to buy some new clothes in Asia. 

That night we stayed in Port Fairy and visited Tower Hill wildlife reserve the next day. We walked around with some wild emus and went for a walk along a path flanked by grass taller than ourselves (not hard in Amy’s case). There were signs warning of snakes and when we started to hear rustling but couldn’t see what was causing it, we bravely started running.

Soon after this stop the road took us upon the main coastal formations. After a couple of stops to admire the views, Amy started to moan that the Twelve Apostles were “just more bloody rocks in the sea”. In her defence it was quite cold and windy but we persevered and in the end decided our favourite was the Grotto. The Twelve Aposotles were probably quite impressive when there were 12 and it wasn’t packed with Japanese tourists trying to take selfies. 

I found myself trying to remember my A-level geography looking at all rocks but I never really liked the subject (my only ever B grade, still haunts me) so you’ll have to survive with the pictures. 

In order: Lord Ard Gorge, London Bridge, Twelve Apostles, The Grotto

   

    
 

From Apollo Bay the Great Ocean Road transformed into a scenic twisting and turning drive, which the Top Gear boys would have loved. I could hear Jeremy calling it the greatest coastal road in the wooorrlldd in my head and hopefully he would have been proud of the way I handled the bends in our automatic Hyundai Avante. 

The beauty was slightly marred by burnt trees on the land-side of the road. There had been bush fires in the area and we saw two helicopters swooping to pick up water. 

  
 
We made it into Melbourne and I started planning how I was going to fit as much in as I could in the short time I was there. 

I spent Wednesday at the famous Penguin Parade on Phillip Island. Everyday at sunset the penguins return to the island after a day fishing out at sea. Before sunset we saw chicks waiting in their burrows for their parents to return. They looked like me when I’m waiting for the delivery man to bring me my pizza, constantly checking outside for any movement. 

After sunset we waited. And waited. You could feel the kids getting a little restless but then out of the water came a rogue penguin, all on his own. He (or she) stood up on the beach after a battle with the surf and looked around. When it realised the coast was clear it sprinted off the beach and into the hills. Soon after more followed its example. 

A line of seagulls had formed on the sand. The penguins would slowly walk through them and then once past break into a run. My favourite moment was when, usually in groups, two penguins tried to walk through the seagulls’ defence. Outnumbered and scared they turned back, only for 7 penguins to jump out of the surf and join them. It was like a scene from a movie. 

After a day at the Australian Open tennis and a MCG visit I had to say goodbye to Melbourne and my travel partner. I’m heading to the outback for a couple of weeks. 96 out of top 100 deadliest snakes in the world live in Australia. So if I don’t make it, tell my family I love them. 

ID 

PS SPOILER ALERT I didn’t have time to write this before my outback trip. So I’m still alive. Sorry if that ruins the suspense. But the trip wasn’t entirely without drama…